Born Again Christians: Remarks on Glory

(Remarks made at the 8^th Annual Convention of First Borners and Born Again Reconveners)

“Born again Christian”: now there’s a phrase to give one pause!  I reckon it must have something to do with reincarnation as there are born again Buddhists too.  I’m not sure if mothers are asked how they feel about having to go through labor twice in order to comply.  The hospital bill would skyrocket (insurance premiums might go up) so then hubbies would get upset and want to know why their wives have to give birth twice to the same kid.  That’s what twins are for, right? 

“Just a moment . . . note here delivered . . . OH!  I see, I’m barking up the wrong apple tree, it appears . . . it’s a religious idea and not a biological phenomenon . . . well, they should have thought of a better name . . .”  

            Well, now it’s even more of a head-scratcher than before!  If a Christian is a Christian the first time through and through, then what in thunder does he need to relive what he is and what he’s done, hmm?  Was he not sure the first time?  Better that than a dead again heathen?  It would make more sense to become a Born Again Luncher, at least then you would get to eat two lunches . . .

“Just a moment, what’s that you say?  I’m missing the point?  Why confound it, if a person is to be born all over why in tarnation can’t he just choose which . . . oh, never mind.  The matter is confusing enough as it is!”

            I reckon the Anabaptists, if there are any left, would be pretty pleased with the whole kit and caboodle.  Yes, I believe it was them who said it wasn’t enough for a baby to be born a Christian one time, that all that Christianizing still didn’t amount to a hill of beans until the baby grew up and was old enough to want to be a Christian and would say so and invite friends to watch as he took the necessary steps to make it so . . . this “born again” stuff is right out of the Anabaptist playbook for sure! 

The only odd thing about these chaps today needing to do the same as the old Anabaptists were a-choosing to do is this one tiny little hiccup: THE ANABAPTISTS WERE HERETICS!  And not just any old run-of-the-mill heresy-spouting Heretics neither but they wuz way up high on the list near the top when they weren’t number one which was most of the time! 

The only difference between “born again” and “baptized again” is . . . I forget now but there is a difference and even is there isn’t that just confirms my first point I was trying to make which is there isn’t any difference, not really. 

The “Born Again” group controls so much already with their wealth and mega-churches it’s amazing they even remember which denomination they is or why they thought it wise to go after catching the Relapsers and build a road for them who were already christianized at birth or childhood or adolescence and who were doing a mess of backsliding until they decided they needed to be reborn (you know, borrow from the supernatural like Lazarus rising from the dead) and then there was that road already a-built and a-waiting for them.

“Born Again” is an invite to Relapse into Sin without too much to worry about since all dangers fragmentary or substantial will be dissolved later when the escape door opens and the church rounds up the Relapsers and bops them over the head and tells ‘em they done forgot what they wuz so now they needs to remind themselves by going through it all a second time. 

This done give them some powerful bragging rights too since the first-time-born Christians who stayed true were a pretty passive lot with not much flash or color and hardly any good Relapsing stories to tell.  They got born, got baptized, attended Sunday School, and had stamped on their hands and foreheads “You’re a Christian” and they never really tried to question the stamp or wash it off, 

their philosophy being “once a Christian always a Christian” which is a fairly ordinary lifestyle when you consider it (take a deep breath) but Born Agains tend to add onto life’s little pleasures many stories of great extreme and unctuous hardship far worse than anybody else’s, real or imaginary, followed by a timely eye-uplifting epiphany of sorts that raises them far above the First Borners inasmuch as the Second Borners practically had an invite from Christ Almighty his own glory self to return to the path which made them almost able to see god-in-the-flesh to hear them bragging about it . . . .  

            Why, this pattern got so obvious that a whole bunch of First Borners decided privately to go off the road—the tried and true narrow path of perpetual righteousness--and indulge in all kinds of drinking and whoring and excesses of sin-and-shame of just every old kind you can name just so they could sober up later and come back to the flock and cry out unto the congregation “Forgives me but I is now born again!” and the congregation would rise to their feet and surround the lucky chap and pound him on his back and shake his hand and even invite ‘im over for dinner and praise the lord! 

            “just a minute . . . been handed a note . . . hhmmm, the First Borners are complaining I done  insulted them when I said they wuz too wealthy already and had mega-churches and big fat bank accounts and that I wuz dealing in stereotypes, lies, falsehoods, calumnies, vicious vilifications, slander, and other such . . . and they demands an immediate apology because I am insinuating their prestigious religious power helps them maintain their prestigious social power and vice versa when (they affirm) nothing of the sort is true . . .”

            Well, I reckon they done chased me up the old apple tree a second time!  Fact is, I made a pretty big mistake pure and simple which I is about to fix, you’ll see.  I misnamed the wrong group, that’s all.  I didn’t mean to say it wuz the Christians who controlled society for their own benefit and to satisfy their longings of greed; it was the Jews, although I’m not sure if they are First Borners or Second Borners or a mix of both but still there’s a connection between . . .

            “Just a moment, been handed another note from the Committee to Protect the Honor of the First Born and Second Born Christians . . . let’s see what it says: they writes, “If all those Stereotypes, Lies, Falsehoods, Calumnies, Vicious Vilifications, Slander, and other such were aimed at the Jews and not the Christians then they find my statements to be perfectly factual on the face of it and 100% genuine accurate and they apologize and ask my forgiveness.”

            Hmmm, now all that turns into a “valid point”?  Well that’s not a problem for me.  I’m an old master of tracking Stereotypes as they fly from one group to the next . . . you know, cranium is wrong size or shape, too big or too small . . . the forehead is too high or too low . . . the eyes are too dark, the pupils too small, too slanted, too round . . . to say nothing of shades of skin color, smell, and just plain ugly-looking.  Sometimes I forget which group and which features is at the top and which group is at the bottom . . .

Nordic, Aryan, White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, European, American . . . it’s hard to keep all the groups straight ‘cuz human beans come in so many sizes and shapes and features.  Me, I’m none of that high-falutin’ stuff—I’m just plain old me and that’s good enough for me, for you, for me-and-you.  I figures if you is born again then you can be dead again too and why repeat that experience twice?  Once is enough of life and death but if I is duplicating myself in any regards I reckon my choice is simple: I’ll be a Born Again American (regardless of how many times)—shucks, I would just choose to be a born again human being.