I and Me

EASY ENGLISH: LESSON 1

   "I AND ME"

I am a teacher who can teach anybody anything.  I can teach a dog to talk and an elephant to fly.  

As hard as it may be to believe, I am now going to teach you something too.  I am going to explain the difference between “I” and “me”. 

This is a very difficult task, no doubt about it.  For years and years teachers have tried to impress upon young students’ mind this grammatical distinction.  

All these thousands of teachers failed time after time. 

The difference between me and them (or is it them and me?) and “me” and “I” is really quite simple.  It’s just that many students prefer using the wrong word.  It is a game of rebellious nonsense to them, like walking backwards instead of forward. 

This is okay because I will prove to you anybody can be wrong! (even teachers.)  Some kids work at being wrong harder than others so you should not feel jealous or sad when they don’t get it and you do.  You are smart! 

NEVER BE JEALOUS!

Never be jealous of dummies because they need to be wrong all the time and they get real good at it through hours and hours of practice.  Normal kids cannot keep up.  

Even for smart kids, the difference between “I” and “me” is a real challenge!  They have to be very careful or they might use the right word by mistake. 

To avoid that from happening, both smart kids and dumb kids must practice being wrong no matter what the sentence is.  With enough practice,  they will always use “me” instead of “I” and “I” instead of “me”.  

It’s an art form at which kids excel beyond all expectations!  Do not be jealous if you already know the difference between "I" and "me" and wish to unlearn your knowledge to be more like them, the dummies.  They are unique and resist imitation copycatting.

A CONFESSION

 

To be perfectly honest, when I was a kid I myself was often confused by when to use “I” and when to use “me”.  None of these Grammar Rules and cute Grammar Rhymes really stick, you know?  

Teachers have explained the grammatical rule to me so many times they have turned blue in the face . . . but my memory loves to play tricks and refuses to cooperate!  

It’s pretty easy to get to the point of not knowing which is correct, “I” or “me”, so then you have to guess.  Nine times out of ten you will guess wrong because the long odds do not favor the gambler.  

Even the one-time-out-of-ten you manage to guess right, you probably won’t be sure if you are right or not . . . so you might as well have been wrong!

THE OLD WAY AND THE NEW WAY

That was the old way of teaching.  Now I am going to use the new way invented by me, myself, and I since all three of us worked together. 

I am going to explain to you when to use “I” and when to use “me”.  For clarity’s sake before we begin, I am now talking about the real you.  I am not talking about me. 

This can be confusing when talking about these two words and whether me the author really means “you” as a person or “you” as a word meaning "anybody".  

"You" should not talk with your mouth full of food is you-anybody, see?    

“You better not talk back to your Pa or you’ll get whacked” is also an anybody-you since all kids can be part of  this kind of “you”.  

All of them have a Pa that can do some right smart whacking and smacking when he’s got a mind to. (more about Pa the Smacker later.)  

Are you with me so far?
  

CLARIFYING THE OBVIOUS

I will try to let you know which is which so you will not get confused like you would if I did not tell you when I meant the real “you” and not the anybody-you.  

I think you will find clarifications like these are very helpful.  (“Me think” is no good.)

Okay, Lesson 2:  use “I” whenever you are talking about yourself.  I don’t mean I should use my name that goes with “I” just because I am writing this down.  

(I am currently incognito with a bad case of urgent legal need for underground pseudonymious concealment and so not my usual open and sunny self.)  

Remember, you should use the pronoun “I” that goes with “you” when you are reading this which is why I wrote “you” and not “I”.  Person 1 to person 2 is a two-way bridge. Words can be people but they can be pronouns too!  

THE PRONOUN BLUES

“I” is called a pronoun.  So is “you” so both you and I are pronouns.  The "P" word is not a bad word.  Do not start a fight if someone comes up to you and says “Hey, I do not like your pronoun”.  They are idiots!  Tell them to get lost or go jump in a lake. 

However, if the teacher reads what you write and she tells you she doesn’t like your pronoun, do not tell her to get lost or jump in the lake because she will put you in a can of hot soup.  

Just say “Yes ma’am”, “No ma’am”, “You’re right, ma’am” and keep agreeing with everything she says so she will keep her can of hot soup to herself!

JOHN MEETS SALLY

Example 2: let us say your name is John or Sally or both.  If you are John (pretend along with me here) instead of saying “John like chocolate”, say “I like chocolate”. 

See how easy it is?  If you are Sally (play along) instead of saying “Sally like chocolate”, say “I like chocolate”.

Notice that both John and Sally like chocolate and this probably means they like each other.  It’s possible that John likes other neat stuff about Sally besides her chocolate but Sally ain’t gonna give John any of her chocolate until John acts more like a gentleman.

If you are LGBT then don’t worry too much about these gender-biased names but choose any name you prefer. For that matter don’t bother to worry about “you”, “I”, and “me” at all because you’ve got bigger problems to fry anyway.      

REVIEW OF LESSON ONE

In lesson one it was brilliantly explained “I” is a pronoun and “you” is the opposite of “I”. (Another way to say this is “We is opposites” but that’s a lesson for another day.)

I also conclusively demonstrated that using names like John and Sally will help you understand who is who and why they like each other’s chocolate. 

Lastly, I explained it is best to agree with the teacher all the time so you do not have hot soup for lunch.  If your teacher asks you for your phone number so she can call home to rat you out, pretend you cannot remember your phone number. 

END OF REVIEW / START OF LESSON TWO

Lesson Three: I am now going to explain when to use the fake pronoun "me” instead of the real pronoun “I”.  This is where the fun begins!  Luckily, the answer is really easy, so easy even a parrot can learn to talk English.  

Rule #1: use “me” whenever it is wrong to use “I”.  

For example, “My friends and I like standing on the beach” is 100% correct.  

It would be wrong to use “me” in this sentence because “I” is right or I “are” right if you prefer.  

Do not use “me” in place of where “I” is standing on the beach because “I” is going to kick your ass if you try and take my spot.    

“Me is going to kick your ass” should not sound right to your ears because “I” (not “me”) is going to do the ass-kicking.  Get it?  "I" is an ass-kicking pronoun!

MORE CLARIFYING EXAMPLES

Example 13: “I love school” is right.  “Me love school” is not right.  If you hate school then neither is right but remember these are just pretend sentences.    

Example 14: “I love chocolate” is right.  “Me love chocolate” is wrong.  If you hate chocolate then neither is right but they are both wrong only because you don’t like chocolate and not because “I” got knocked over by “me”. 

“Me” cannot knock over “I” when “I” is in the right because “me” is not strong enough to replace right with might.  Note that by changing the “r” to “m” you get a brand new word which is rather neat! 

Anyway, remember what I am telling you: 
If “I” feels right then pretend you never heard of “me” because “me” can never replace “I”. (Write “me is not the  pronoun I” 1,000 times if you are afraid you will forget!)  

   

LESSON NINE: WHEN TO USE “ME”

Let’s say I am going to write a letter to you and then you are going to write a letter back.  Where is your letter going to go?  That is when you use “me” because you are going to write the letter to me.  It’s really just that simple! 

You are not going to write the letter to “I” because “I” is the pronoun and it can write to you but it cannot write to itself: “I is going to write me” makes almost no sense except maybe to second language learners.     

“I” can only write to another person--you--and you can only write to another person

(me).  You must write to me! 

EXAMPLE 24

Example 24: “My brother and me ate two green apples.”  

This is wrong and will give your teacher fits which she will take out on you and your classmates in subtle and not so subtle ways.  

If you can say “I ate two green apples” then it does not matter how many brothers you have because you need to stick to the apple-eating pronoun “I” like glue. 

Suppose you have five brothers.  “My five brothers and I ate two green apples” is still right.  “Me” did not do anything because me wasn’t even there. 

Now, if one of your five brothers gave you an apple then you can say “My brother gave me an apple” or “my brother gave an apple to me” but you cannot say it if your brother gave you an orange or did not give you anything but hogged the whole apple himself. 

Remember, I am not asking you to tell me if this sentence is really true or really not true in real life.  I do not care how many brothers or sisters or cousins you have.  

Instead, I want you to pretend the sentence is true and tell me if “I” or “me” makes it better true or worse true in terms of true-blue grammar true.

LAST RULE

Last Rule you'll ever need to know: 
Use “me” when something happens to you or somebody gives you something or you should happen to see the word “to” bobbing and floating along in the sentence and coming your way: “She is going to give the gift to me.” 

Get it?  Sally is not going to give the gift to you as “I” but to you as “me”.  

“She is going to give the gift to “I” makes no sense unless maybe if she is planning to trick you and take your gift and give it to herself rather than to you.  

Girls are generally more honest than boys so this is highly unlikely although not out of the question entirely, especially if you have done something bad to Sally (which she did not want you to do) in which case you should not expect a gift from her to either one of you, I mean either “I” or “me”, at all. 

LET THE LIGHT SHINE!

You were probably confused at the beginning but I have a good feeling by now you really understand the difference and know when to use “I” and when to use “me”.  

Make up some imaginary sentences of your own to prove this to yourself and if you get confused remember these three basic rules:

1)    I” is a pronoun.  Do not use “me” when “I” is already there pronouning itself.     

2)    Use “me” if using “I” is wrong or when you see the word “to” a-coming.

3)     I forget what idea number 3 is but it is probably related to ideas 1 and 2.  

      If you can figure out what idea 3 is, write it down and mail it to me.  I will be very happy that you learned this very-important difference which often eludes even the best of us.

A HAPPY END

You will never be confused by these two words “I” and “me” ever again!  

If you should forget, just remember to ask: “What difference does it make to me?” and answer “I think it makes a world of difference because I don’t want me to end up in a can of hot soup!”  

Brought to you by: 
The Committee to Bring an Enlightened Understanding of the Difference Between "I and Me" and "You and Me" Which Together We Are.

(Signed) 
Committee Chairperson,

Chicken Little Feet

Next time: the very important difference between verbs and gerunds where the author knocks both grammatical units-of-meaning right out of the park.  Stay tuned!